The not-boyfriend
It has been five months since I told you that I didn’t think it was working. It has been about seven since you first walked into my life. It wasn’t love at first sight, and anyway, I’m not sure I believe in such a thing. It was a series of random run-ins and the constant urgings of an acquaintance which led me to decide what the hell, let’s jump in. And it was wonderful and it was messy and everything in between. And it took so much time to recover.
Fast forward to the present. I am sick and at this point, I am not so sure anymore the doctors will figure it out. My health is up and down every single day, and simply because you catch me on a good moment does not mean the next will not be horrendous. I feel as if I should post a sign somewhere, to be changed throughout each phase: Good time. Bad time. Now unable to walk AND spasming! Having trouble breathing… Every medication save one seems to impact me negatively, even when the side effects are supposed to only occur in 2% of the general population. And not a single one alleviates my symptoms as it should.
I am not working anymore, and I’m about 10 chapters behind total for classes. I have missed two midterms and hours of the project for my honors class.
Sometimes it is difficult to even get out of bed, I am so exhausted.
And then there is you. And honestly, I have no room to think about it now, to contemplate whether it’s a good idea or not. But I know this: we have both changed and stayed the same in the time apart. And yet, when you are around now, I smile more. I laugh. And sometimes, for a few seconds, I even forget that I’m not okay health-wise altogether.