Venting
29 November 07 · 1:25 pmI have been a whole lot of negative lately. A bundle of abrasive, morbid, and/or just plain whiny. I don’t mean to be, but it’s hard. It feels like the sickness has built this cage around me, a cage that only I see or feel, and though I try rebelling, there’s no way out.
People assume things when they hear the word sick. “But you look well,” they offer. “Well, chin up, they’ll figure it out,” others say. And the worst is the question: “Are you better yet?”, which is different than “How are you?”, because of the way it forces me to choose between yes or no. Then, a simple “no” is not enough; that raises concern. Details are wanted. And I know they mean well, know they have good intentions, but when I have to continually go over the story that is still in progress and still without an end in sight, it becomes depressing.
“My next Stanford appointment is December 20. I will be consulting a general physician this Friday, with the special focus on medicinal dosages. No, they don’t have a clue what it is. No, the medication is not really helping. Yes, I am fine right now. No, it comes and goes. There are different symptoms. No, the spasming itself doesn’t hurt, but sometimes my joints and fingertips and toes do — a lot. Yes, I am doing fine in school considering. No, I cannot afford to take a semester off.” And so on and so forth.
I feel like I am losing myself in this battle; I don’t even know what exactly it is I’m fighting. I want friends around, but I hate having to ask repeatedly. The only place I’d like to be really is the hospital. It is a sad state when your dearest wish in life has become lying in a hospital bed while being seen by professionals who will help. And when I can’t even get ahold of a counselor to talk about it all so I don’t have to keep burdening the ones I love, life is seriously fucked up.
Dec
'07
You should not feel bad for your moodiness. If I was in your situation I would be tearing out my hair and glaring at anyone who made the mistake of trying to talk to me. Maybe you could try to talk to a counselor at the hospital? Or is that what you’ve been trying? You should be able to vent and talk to someone who will listen thoroughly to every word. I remember loving that feeling, that the counselor really listened to every word…
Dec
'07
Well now I don’t know what to say. I don’t begrudge you your feelings either, from what I can tell you’re handling it all so much better than I would.
I wish there was something more I could do for you.
Dec
'07
Ah, negative is never good. Try this, it works; remain positive, and I’m certain you’ll be fine soon enough!
Dec
'07
Annie used to be a proponent of DailyStrength.org — they have a lot of people e-hugging each other there. Also, Ben has a friend who was also going thru a lot of painful long-term ailments from a foggy disease that’s affected her for 2 years and counting. If you want a support group, she might be a good start. She’s in the Berkeley/Albany area tho…
Let me know how I can help. Keep us updated, k? Good luck with finals btw, I know everyone in school has their nose in a book these days.
Angie
Dec
'07
hello there. care to link ex?
Dec
'07
What bothers me more is when people ask such questions out of courtesy, but they really don’t give two sh*ts about how you actually are. The worst was when, after pouring my soul out (ok not really, I simply expanded like I was prompted to do), they kind of took a step back and went “Woah” as if they didn’t /actually/ expect to give them a real reply to their question.
Dec
'07
Having not been here in a while, I was a little shocked when I went through the most recent eight entries and realizing what had happened. Sorry for not being here. Although I do hope that you’re feeling a lot better now?
Understand the frustration of not being able to find a definite cure. The issue goes likewise for my allergies.
Meanwhile, don’t apologise for your moodiness. Sometimes, you can’t help these things. Plus, it is not as if you don’t have a reason for being moody because well, you do. Good to hear that you have friends rallying around you though. Stay strong. (:
Dec
'07
Oh shoot. There wasn’t supposed to be a question mark after my first paragraph in my previous comment.
It sounded like I was asking you “Are you better yet?” - the dreaded question. Oh dang oh dang.
I meant that I hope you’ll be feeling better soon and well on the stage to recovery. (:
Dec
'07
I’ve been thinking about you this past few weeks - I am hoping that 2008 brings about a much more positive reaction to meds and/or a possible cure for whatever it is you’re suffering with.
I hope that you managed to have a pleasant, painless Christmas Elea.