more ironic

Since I’ll be volunteering at Wordcamp once again tomorrow and the new design I (finally!) created for the weblog hasn’t been touched in terms of markup yet, I decided to just slightly rework the original theme to have it match its new name of ‘more ironic’. The results are about as interesting as you would expect, but in my defense, I have been busy working, crashing on the couch after work, and then living vicariously by watching the Olympics women’s gymnastics events while on the couch and curled up with my dog. (This may or may not be an exaggerated approximation of my usual days.) Also, I did this on my laptop. With the trackpad. Anyway, if you’re wandering by because we just met in person and you wanted to see my blog, let me just say that this is unfortunately a place where I do stereotypically girly things like talk about my feelings but there’s probably bits of snark thrown in here and there as well. I might be able to help you with Wordpress design, but if you’re looking for a good design blog to follow, well…SimpleBits is always a good bet (although sadly it doesn’t, as far as I know, run on Wordpress)!

Originally written in June 2008

Touch
(beat)
Touch
(beat)

Contract
Withdraw

Touch
(beat)

Buzzing
Veins
Touch
Pain
Sadness
Relief
Need
Touch

Contract
Withdraw
Contract
Withdraw
Contract
Contract
Contract —
Withdraw

—-

The definition of myoclonus, via Wikipedia.

I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, possibly because I’ve had to wean myself off medication in order to undergo more testing (for the Whatever-It-Is-I-Have-That-They-Will-Likely-Never-Figure-Out). As far as my health goes, all the neurologists and medical doctors have given up and started claiming that it’s psychological in nature. However, the psychologists and psychiatrists in turn believe that it is a medical issue (which is understandably affecting my moods). This means that I’ve now turned to a neuropsychologist as a sort of compromise between the two, and he’s currently in the midst of giving me mental/cognitive tests. Preliminary results are similar to those of the medical though — there are a few slight irregularities, but it’s hard to say whether that’s due to me the individual or the condition-that-cannot-be-named. The story that seems to be repeated after all these months though is that I’m just “not sick enough”.

For awhile, I was incredibly angry about all this — being shunted back and forth, never having answers, etc etc. Nowadays I’m mostly just drained. I can’t ignore it, but I also can’t actively make it go away, so I have to just learn coping methods. Unfortunately, no one’s got specific answers as to how best to go about it. I’m trying, but often I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. I admire people who remain optimists through trying times. As a realist, it makes this much more difficult. How do you conquer something that you can’t even define?