more ironic

I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, possibly because I’ve had to wean myself off medication in order to undergo more testing (for the Whatever-It-Is-I-Have-That-They-Will-Likely-Never-Figure-Out). As far as my health goes, all the neurologists and medical doctors have given up and started claiming that it’s psychological in nature. However, the psychologists and psychiatrists in turn believe that it is a medical issue (which is understandably affecting my moods). This means that I’ve now turned to a neuropsychologist as a sort of compromise between the two, and he’s currently in the midst of giving me mental/cognitive tests. Preliminary results are similar to those of the medical though — there are a few slight irregularities, but it’s hard to say whether that’s due to me the individual or the condition-that-cannot-be-named. The story that seems to be repeated after all these months though is that I’m just “not sick enough”.

For awhile, I was incredibly angry about all this — being shunted back and forth, never having answers, etc etc. Nowadays I’m mostly just drained. I can’t ignore it, but I also can’t actively make it go away, so I have to just learn coping methods. Unfortunately, no one’s got specific answers as to how best to go about it. I’m trying, but often I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. I admire people who remain optimists through trying times. As a realist, it makes this much more difficult. How do you conquer something that you can’t even define?

I never thought I’d be using another designer’s theme on my blog after I learned how to make them myself, but I figured that if nothing else, having this up temporarily will really push me to get on with creating a new look for the place. Until I started working in web development regularly, I didn’t fully understand how you could be too tired at the end of the day (and even through weekends) to design anything else, especially for yourself. After I’m done working these days, often I just end up crashing on the couch by 10pm (not even making it to the bed upstairs). But it is summer now, and I do have a desire to spend more time on personal projects, so we’ll see how much energy I can muster up in the coming days!