I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, possibly because I’ve had to wean myself off medication in order to undergo more testing (for the Whatever-It-Is-I-Have-That-They-Will-Likely-Never-Figure-Out). As far as my health goes, all the neurologists and medical doctors have given up and started claiming that it’s psychological in nature. However, the psychologists and psychiatrists in turn believe that it is a medical issue (which is understandably affecting my moods). This means that I’ve now turned to a neuropsychologist as a sort of compromise between the two, and he’s currently in the midst of giving me mental/cognitive tests. Preliminary results are similar to those of the medical though — there are a few slight irregularities, but it’s hard to say whether that’s due to me the individual or the condition-that-cannot-be-named. The story that seems to be repeated after all these months though is that I’m just “not sick enough”.

For awhile, I was incredibly angry about all this — being shunted back and forth, never having answers, etc etc. Nowadays I’m mostly just drained. I can’t ignore it, but I also can’t actively make it go away, so I have to just learn coping methods. Unfortunately, no one’s got specific answers as to how best to go about it. I’m trying, but often I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. I admire people who remain optimists through trying times. As a realist, it makes this much more difficult. How do you conquer something that you can’t even define?

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